Ranking Horror Villains by How Likely I’d Be to Survive Them

One of my favourite things to do while watching horror films is confidently announce what I would do differently.

“Why would you go in there?”
“Just leave the house!”
“Stop investigating the weird noise!”

It’s very easy to become an expert in survival when you’re sitting safely under a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate. In reality, I would probably panic immediately.

Still, I’ve decided to rank some iconic horror villains based on how likely I think I’d be to survive them.

10. Jason Vorhees

Just don’t go to Crystal Lake.

Problem solved.

I don’t like camping anyway.

Survival chance: 9/10.

9. Chucky

I’m sorry.

I know he’s dangerous. I know he’s killed people.

But he’s still doll-sized.

If I see a possessed doll running at me, my first instinct is not to scream.

My first instinct is to see how far I can kick him.

Survival chance: 9/10.

8. Ghostface

A human.

Just a bloke. A concerning bloke, sure, but still a bloke.

Half the Ghostface kills happen because people insist on answering suspicious phone calls, wandering around dark houses alone, or refusing to leave town after multiple murders.

I do none of those things.

Survival chance: 8.5/10.

7. Jigsaw

His traps are horrific.

But most of the time there is technically a solution.

The problem is whether I’d be mentally stable enough to solve it while somebody was screaming in the background and a puppet was judging me.

Survival chance: 7.5/10.

6. Michael Myers

He’s terrifying, but this guy just walks everywhere.

I’d like to believe I could create enough distance to at least inconvenience him.

Survival chance: 6/10.

5. Leatherface

Now we’re getting into the people I’d actually be worried about.

The only thing saving me is that I have absolutely no desire to explore abandoned houses in the middle of nowhere.

Survival chance: 5/10.

4. Freddy Kreuger

The problem here is simple. Eventually I need sleep.

And unlike horror protagonists, I become unbearable after one bad night’s sleep.

By day three I’d be hallucinating before Freddy even arrived.

Survival chance: 4/10.

3. Pennywise

Listen.

I love Bill Skarsgård.

Huge fan.

Unfortunately Pennywise is not Bill Skarsgård. Pennywise is an ancient cosmic nightmare creature that specifically targets your deepest fears.

Also he can shapeshift. And teleport. And apparently ignore most of the laws of reality.

I fear I’d spend the entire film gaslighting myself.

“There’s definitely not a clown in my house.”

There was a clown in my house.

Survival chance: 2/10.

2. Art The Clown

Art should honestly be investigated by science.

Why does he keep getting back up? Why is he so committed to ruining people’s days? Why is he smiling?

The man treats death like a minor inconvenience.

At least with other villains you can point to some weakness.

Art seems powered entirely by evil and bad intentions. He killed Santa, and that’s just not on.

Survival chance: 1/10.

1. The Thing

No chance. The second a shape-shifting alien starts perfectly copying people around me, it’s over.

Not only am I not surviving, I’d be accusing innocent people left, right and centre.

Trust nobody?

I barely trust myself.

Survival chance: 0/10.